The Office Coffee Pot, Packaging and Phone Calls

The Office Coffee Pot
It seems there has been a boycott in regards to making coffee in the break room at my place of employment. Does this directly affect me? Well, no, it does not. However, the fallout from this boycott has caused me some strife in the past couple of weeks or so.
When I first began my stint of employment, a co-worker and I made the decision to create our own 'coffee club'. The arrangement was perfect; a coffee pot housed in my co-worker's office and the alternating responsibility of replenishing the supply. The coffee has the same consistency of 10W-30 motor oil with both parties drinking exactly 6 cups of the vital fluid from the 12 cup decanter each morning.
Occasionally we will have the random coffee panhandler; another employee looking for just one cup of coffee to jumpstart their morning. Fine. I'm all about performing charity work here and there, but honestly the coffee boycott has caused me to become a bit more pugnacious than my normal disposition.
As of late, when I hear, "Where'd you get the coffee?" Or "Can I get a cup of coffee?" My first reaction is to pull out the ol' country club stamp of denial, "I'm frightfully sorry, but no, we are not taking on any new members at this time." Other initial tongue biting retorts also include:
"If you were not already aware, there IS a Starbucks down on State Street. Perhaps you should take five minutes and walk your caffeine-addicted ass down there."
Or
"Have you ever considered switching to instant?"
Or, my favorite…
"This is my fucking coffee. Keep your grubby mitts off and go make your own, loser."
But no. There is some grace to my character, which thereby allows the panhandler to bogart a mug of the precious sludge. Although, I will humbly admit, if the boycott lasts much longer, I will be forced into changing my response; more than likely the one referring to, "my fucking coffee," as noted above.
Update: This morning when I ventured to the break room to rinse yesterday's sludge from my Wonder Woman coffee mug, I noticed a fresh pot of coffee on the warmer. If I may, I'd like to take this moment to express my undying gratitude to the anonymous person who took the five minutes to brew a pot of coffee. Donkey chains.

Problems with Packaging
As a person who is a bit on the egocentric side, I will often take pride in activities where I excel. Such activities include, but are not limited to: sewing, chewing the fat, consumption of caffeinated and alcoholic beverages, and self-discipline. There are other activities, however, that I am not good at. Specifically, tackling packaging on consumer goods. This is one characteristic of my person that I have succumbed to accepting and even embracing about myself; which is not often the case.
I am notorious for ruining the packaging on perishable goods. If there is a bag involved, I am unable to open it the correct way by simply pulling the adhesive top of the bag gently apart. No. What ultimately will happen is the bag will rip most of the way down the side – and not even on the seam. Mmmmmmm! The cereal will be stale in a matter of days.
Boxes? Forget it. For me there is no such thing as, "To open, slide finger under flap and loosen gently." The top ALWAYS tears thereby leaving the box in a state of disrepair and no longer able to perform its function. It's a real treat when you try to keep a twelve pack of coke/beer cans in the 'fridge pack' after decimating one end of the box. Quite honestly, I do not believe in the whole, "Press here and tear along perforation to open." The only time I can semi-successfully open a box is when, of course, I open it at the wrong end.
Don't think that I would resort to scissors or another apparatus to assist in my packaging endeavors - that would be entirely too easy.

The Lengthy Phone Call
Do you ever get stuck on the phone with a person whose entire mission is to prolong the phone call for as long as humanly possible? I'm lucky because this does not happen to me all too often; but on the rare occasion that it does, what is the best method of handling the situation?
Of course, there is always the 'little white lie' method. For example:
"I need to let you go, there is someone at the door."
Or
"I have another call coming in. Can I call you back later?"
Or
"I am required to attend a staff meeting in approximately two minutes. I'm going to have to let you go."
One could also resort to something outlandish such as:
"I am 30 seconds away from having explosive diarrhea. I have to let you go."
Or
"What's that smell? Shit, I have a gas leak! Gotta go!"
Or
"There is a mob of naked people pressing their ass cheeks against my sliding glass door and it doesn't look pretty. I need to take care of this situation stat!"
In all reality, you would prefer to take care of the lengthy phone call by sheer honesty. I know I would. Wouldn't it be grand if you could merely say:
"You know what? I'm sick of being on the listening end of your one sided bull shit conversation. See ya."
Or
"I'd rather be cleaning up my cat's vomit. What you have to say is of no interest to me. Bye."
Or
"You talk too fucking much and your ability to communicate leads me to believe you ate way too many lead-based paint chips as a child. This conversation is over." (Click).

Closing thoughts… On a serious and regrettably sad note, I lost a good friend to cancer last week. Deborah was one of the most magnanimous people I have ever met in my life. Always willing to listen, give heartfelt advice, laugh at my crude sense of humor, and marvel at my air guitar/cartwheel ability when no one was looking, I will miss her always. She has inspired me to be a better person, laugh often, display gratitude and to live each day of my life to my fullest potential.