Belief in Control

I’m a control freak. Who isn’t right? I have tried to convince myself otherwise, but it’s no use. I LIKE the power of being in control. I want to believe I can be spontaneous and go with the flow. You know what I’m referring to - step up to the plate of life and take that curve ball, roll with the punches, let yourself go…

But there are certain moments in life where I can’t. I’m only human.

That all-too-familiar-out-of-control feeling washed over me this morning. I awoke to a state of domestic chaos: clean laundry sitting in a basket for five days, my hair products randomly splayed over the bathroom counter, and empty alcohol containers dotting every room of the 1,000 square foot box I call my home. I felt overwhelmed, out of balance, and was in a state of gut-wrenching nausea.

Not even strutting around my apartment in a favorite pair of heels could provide me with relief from the squeamish feeling. I was to the point of writhing on floor loco and pulling my hair out. I was on the verge of madness and teetering on the brink of insanity.

So I did what any person would do. I broke down and succumbed to my addiction. I put on a pair of my favorite jeans, a 20 year old faded GAP sweatshirt, and did the only thing I knew would make me feel level again…

I hadn’t even brushed my teeth. My hair resembled a starling’s nest of snarls that was going to take 20 minutes of effort to untangle. Even as a lover of the game of golf, I was oblivious to the Open championship droning over the TV in the other room. The only thing that felt right was meshing two pieces of vinyl together in the most beautiful of melodies.

I turned the headphone volume up to the point where my ears itched with impending hearing loss. Bass was pumping through my veins as I made love to the decks. A smile slowly spread across my face, and I knew EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I proceeded to remove my headphones and dig feverishly through a stack of vinyl. I was on a mission, a mission to find my anthem. I was in search of a record which came into my possession long ago, which will remain coveted for the rest of my life, and will never be returned to its rightful owner.

Jocelyn Brown. Oh yes, I DO believe that I can find a way…

I lifted the record out of the stack and turned it over in my hands. This was it. This was just what I needed. This WAS my auditory form of Xanax and security blanket. I KNEW this perfectly round 12” object was what I needed to relieve my state of unrest.

I pulled the disc from its jacket and placed it on the turntable. I knew relief was only moments away…

I placed the headphones comfortably over my ears and lifted the needle gently on to the spinning record. The track’s baseline kicked in instantly. I melted in state of sheer liberation as I began to physically move with the beat of the music. I felt balance being restored to my person as Jocelyn’s voice began to infiltrate my ears. I passionately lip-synced the lyrics and threw my arms forward pointing to the intangible obstacles of life that lie in front of me.

“You can’t sleep at night, thinking about the problems you face. And the friends you thought you could count on, they just get in your way. So when you wake up in the morning, all you gotta do is say to yourself, “Today will be the day I make it. ‘Cause I don’t need anyone else.”

“If you believe, you’ll find a way…”

Empowered, I removed the headphones refreshed to be running on a full tank of sanity. I brushed my teeth, untangled my mane and made short order of the laundry. I strapped on my favorite pair of heels and headed out the door to tackle the world. As I pulled the door closed and stood in the hallway of my building, I had a moment of reflection: If we stop and think about it, there are points in ALL of our lives where we feel out of control. The secret is having the power to believe there is a way to restore your own balance.

I’m grateful that I believe in mine.